「tjapit」

On Subjectivity

24 min read

For Past Me™ who needed this most.

WARNING

Mentions of suicidality because Existentialism.

Also, if anything reads awkward, I’m ESL.

I’d been rereading a book on Existentialism, L. Nathan Oaklander’s “Existentialist Philosophy: An Introdduction”, which I read a couple years back in a philosophy course during my last year at uni. On top of that, a couple of articles triggered my long buried interest in writing more recently.

They are somewhat (distantly) related to this topic,

Shoutout to them, they’re a great 2-5m reads. Please do check them out.

Anyways, I’d always wanted to try my hand at writing and publishing my own article, but never had the balls to do it. And so, the following is my attempt at talking about a part of Existentialism as I understand it (no Dostoevsky though, sorry folks) and how it has helped me walk this life. Fair warning, it’s going to be filled with contradictions, maybe a little abrasive, maybe a little preachy at times, but please heed the poetry of what I’m trying to convey, not the prose.

Without further ado,

Subjectivity is Truth

Subjectivity is Truth. Bear with me.

We often get the framing of the question, “What’s the meaning of life?” incorrect. When we first set out to answer this question for ourselves, we might think there’s that one meaning out there in the world, one you might stumble upon lying on the ground, “Yep, there she is, that’s the meaning of life right there.” There’s an objectivity to it, there’s that one thing that is true externally (pick your poison, whatever-isms) and we think we should follow that source of truth which is outside of ourselves.

But hold on a second, when you stop and think about it,

  • Is there really one thing out there that everyone should follow, when everyone’s circumstances are so different?
  • Is there really such a thing as an objective truth?
  • If there isn’t any, what should be the north star I follow then?

Personally, I don’t think so. Based on nearly three decades living as a human being on this earth, I’ve been moving towards the conclusion that the universe is ultimately meaningless and indifferent — life never really tells you what you should or shouldn’t do. Frankly, your next poop is as meaningful as your next promotion in the eyes of an uncaring universe.

Not trying to be nihilistic nor fall into meaninglessness here. I say this neutrally, not in a hopeless, “Oh, the tragedy… the despair… the world is so uncaring and forgiving, why care about anything at all?” In fact, it’s from this point of view of “the universe ultimately having no meaning” that I’ve found “meaning” in life. In my opinion, the only proper way to talk about the meaning of life is in a subjective manner. That is, how the question relates to you, not the systematic belief you may or may not subscribe to.

Enter, Existentialism.

“It was about 2 A.M. and dit was clear and cold. I looked out over the Iowa River and I felt completely alone. I had the realization that what I made of my life depended upon me and me alone; there was nothing in my past, nothing in my background, and nothing in anyone’s thoughts about me that could determine what would become of me. I realized subjectively, and not merely intellectually, that it was up to me to make my future and consequently, that all praise or blame for my life rested entirely on my shoulders. I resolved to make something of myself. Maybe you have had a similar experience and maybe not. If you have, then you have touched the existentialist subject matter, but if you have not, then there is no way I can directly communicate to you, although I hope that this book will serve to direct your attention to it.” (Oaklander 8)

I love this because it’s one of the first times that something had pointed me to my own subjectivity instead of telling me what I should or shouldn’t do, “Ah, this guy gets it.”

For me, my existentialist moment came in the Fall of 2021. I was in the library, borrowing and reading through Oaklander’s book. And honestly? I never really liked reading, I sucked at it. I read slow and stuff on the page just never stuck with me, which discouraged me even more. Looking back, the frequent thought loops of “I’ve survived so far without reading much; why start now?” was an ego defense—rooted in insecurity—which stopped me from ever picking up something to read and sticking with it. Despite this, the book kept me hooked, I had goosebumps all over my body reading through that paragraph and subsequent passages. Suddenly, it didn’t really matter whether I was good or bad at reading, I just really wanted to read. It certainly pointed me in the right direction at the time, and more recently, it’s signaled me again to write something with it, anything.

Hopefully you’ve felt something similar to what I exeperienced with Oaklander’s book — it’s invigorating. Whether that signal comes from Christianity for you, Buddhist traditions, Kundalini practices, ancient Greek philosophy, etc.; going deeper into yourself—your subjectivity—is invaluable, especially in a world that pulls our attention more and more outside of ourselves. If this resonates, I highly recommend the book from Oaklander, it’s a big part of the inspiration for this article.

Back to subjectivity.

What I learned from this book was that: The only Truth there is, is the truth for you. Forget about objective truth, forget about what other people think, forget about what you should be doing. Honestly, the best advice I ever received was, “Don’t listen to any advice. Any advice that works for one person, the exact opposite is true for another.” This of course includes what you’re reading right now.

“Don’t believe anything simply because you’ve heard it. Come and see for yourself” — borrowing from Buddhist ideas, Ehipassiko

In fact, I would go one step further into saying, don’t believe.

I believe that belief is overrated. Illustrating with a couple questions that may sound condescending: Do you believe in gravity? Do you believe that you’ll fall back down if you jumped? Of course not, belief doesn’t even enter the picture, it simply is, it’s a knowing. Although, knowledge only comes to the ones who seek. I only know this once I do the action—jump—and see that I do fall. This is exactly what inspired and pushed me to make this article and put it out into the world, I wanted to see how it was like to write and publish.

This is one of the instances where I actually followed my own advice. I forgone the idea about whether other people will judge it harshly, I forgone the doubt of “Oh, I don’t know how to do it, it’s my first time, will it be good?” Realizing that that line of thinking is the trap of how there’s “the one objectively perfect article” I can write — a judgment of objective truth from which lens viewed, my article is the ultimate suck or the best thing since sliced bread. However, this train of thought serves nothing but to paralyze me, sometimes it runs so deep that I don’t even recognize that it’s running like a daemon in the background. Fall into the rabbit hole deep enough, you eventually come out the other side and realize it boils down to “just do it”.

So here’s my subjectivity, I’m using what I’ve learned from software development, Existentialism, Buddhism, HealthyGamer and implementing it to writing. So far it’s working wonders and I want to share it,

  • Paralysis of initiation often holds me back, “Is it gonna be good?”, “What if I write something bad?”, whatever form of fear of failure, impostor syndrome, anxiety is there. - Concretely, procrastination—rooted in unaddressed fear or anxiety—which I usually soothe with playing games, working on less difficult projects instead of addressing the “elephant in the room” project, or avoid journaling the hard feels. - These half-baked solutions never really solves the root problem, but I sometimes find myself reflexively reaching for them because they’re quick and easy.
  • Instead, break things fast. Just write, good or bad. Article or code. We can always edit later, trying to perfect stuff in one go is just silly, I’m not Dijkstra nor am I Alain de Botton. - It’s taken me days, weeks, months from having this in the back of my mind, triggered by a couple articles, to ideation, to finally having it on paper, so to speak.
  • If it runs deeper than that and I’m still procrastinating, what helps me move one step forward is journaling, Zettelkasten, bouncing ideas with Gippity (yes, I named my instace of ChatGPT), and inspiration from YouTube, articles, and my students. - Same thing with the problem I had with reading really, as I go to therapy and learn more about myself, it usually boils down to ego defense mechanism and being reluctant to do things because of discomfort — the root is almost always insecurity.
  • But ultimately, what works for me, may not work for you.
    • Even for me, what worked for Past Me™ a week ago, sometimes doesn’t work for me now.
    • In fact, I found that expecting what worked for me yesterday would work for me today is one of the potholes I often fall into.
    • Pedestaling yesterday’s achievement as today’s bare minimum is a fast way to paralyze me that day.
  • It’s an attitude, not any one thing, and the attitude that’s worked for me recently is: “Fuck it, we ball.* (basically, another take on YOLO)

It’s not so much an external change, but more of how I conduct myself in my own internal landscape. This brings us nicely to the line in one of the articles that gave me the last push to write this,

What vs How

From 📝 josebrowne — On Coding, Ego and Attention,

“It’s clear to me now that it’s not about what I know, but rather how I think that’s different on these days.” — Jose Browne

The longer I live, the more I’m starting to realize that it’s in the how and not the what that holds me back in life. Regardless whether it’s teaching, programming, writing, socializing, it’s the attitude that you bring to the table that matters more, not so much the content of the matter. That line from Jose rang a Kierkegaard bell within me,

“When the question of truth is put forward in an objective manner, reflection is directed objectively to the truth as an object to which the knower is related. The reflection is not on the relationship but on whether he is related to the truth. If that which he is related to is the truth, the subject is in truth. When the question of truth is put forward in a subjective manner, reflection is directed subjectively on the individual’s relationship. If the relation’s HOW is in truth, the individual is in truth. even if the WHAT to which he is related is not true.” (Oaklander 16)

That’s a doozy, let’s break it down a little,

What Kierkegaard was talking about here is the difference between how we talk about truth. Say you know a guy called Stewie. On the one hand, you can talk about Stewie in an objective manner, that he’s a person, he exists, he has a family, he works in sales, etc. Stewie may or may not be a real person and your sanity may be in question whether he’s a real or imaginary friend of yours. If Stewie is a real person and he exists—objectively speaking—you are in truth.

On the other hand, talking about Stewie in a subjective manner, requires you to talk about your subjective experience of him. Your stories of your interactions with him, your thoughts on his personality, him as a person, how his demeanor and behaviour have affected you, and maybe how you’re going to invite Stewie to your wedding because he’s such a stand-up guy. In this case, regardless of whether Stewie does or does not exist, real or imaginary friend, you are in truth because of how you relate to him.

You’re free to substitute Stewie with whatever or whomever comes to mind.

We know from addiction psychology that what yields clinical benefit is the presence of a consistent internal belief system, irrespective of the God or gods you pray to.

In other, more literal and perhaps controversial, words: Who cares if God actually exists or not? Who cares if there is a one true God or multiple gods? Does knowing this truth help me get out of bed in the morning? Buy my groceries? Do my laundry? Write my next article? Debug my code that’s breaking? You get the point, the question is existentially irrelevant, it doesn’t help point us back to our own subjectivity and remind us that each and every one of us is an existing, living human being.

This is why I believe that it’s all about attitudes, the how in which we relate to that something that counts as the truth. From Kierkegaard’s “Concluding Unscientific Postscript”,

“If one who lives in a Christian culture goes up to God’s house, the house of the true God, with a true conception of God, with knowledge of God and prays—but prays in a false spirit; and one who lives in an idolatrous land prays with the total passion of the infinite, although his eyes rest on the image of an idol; where is there most truth? The one prays in truth to God, although he worships an idol. The other prays in untruth to the true God and therefore really worships an idol (Oaklander 17).”

Bars.

Meaning and Meaninglessness

Most of us have struggled through dark periods in our lives, regardless of the relative shapes and sizes. Maybe some of us are still in it. I’m not here to compare whose suffering is greater or lesser. In the search for clarity and solace, maybe some of us leaned into religion, others into philosophy to seek salvation. Some never found it and continue to distract themselves with dopaminergic activities.

In this part, I want to talk about the answers out there, what I have come to, and what works for me.

Meaning is overrated

You’re sitting in your chair in the first morning of winter, a hot cup of tea in your hand. You might savor it, you may take your time with it, but you don’t stop to calculate what it means, it’s just tea. Imagine making meaning out of every single waking moment. That’s how you get the efficiency and productivity influencers you see on Instagram. Probably with some self-talk of, “this gym session? it’s proof of my growth,” “this yoga session? I’m slowly becoming one with the universe!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I haven’t fell for the same traps. Just an observation that the mind becomes filled with attachments and becomes unmalleable, rigid, you become cognitively inflexible.

Nonetheless, sometimes we can’t help it when we’re in an anxious headspace or feeling excited. Sample thoughts include, “oh man, did you see that guy looking at me weird? I bet he’s thinking that I’m a beta,” or, “oh my god, I’m so inspired by this article I read. I need to write my own article, it’s gonna be great. My first article is gonna be so good.” Attachments—good or bad—weigh us down and make it harder to navigate through life.

We’re told everywhere that life should be “meaningful.” But imagine trying to squeeze meaning out of every moment — “this tea is symbolic of my resilience,” “this walk is proof of my growth,” “this article will define me forever.” That’s not enlightenment, that’s neurosis. It’s like stuffing your inbox with too many attachments: heavy, slow, and impossible to navigate.

Meaninglessness is underrated

Now, imagine yourself in the same scenario, waking up early in the winter morning, rejuvenated. You brew yourself a cup of English Breakfast, the tea leaves diffuse their essence, the water browns, and the lovely aroma fills the room. You sit in your little wooden chair, facing the window, overlooking the vast expanse of white. Not a meaning in sight, your mind is calm and you feel the warmth of the mug suffuse your body through the palm of your hands. You take a small sip and gently set it down on the coffee table next to you.

That is meaninglessness. Beautiful, isn’t it? Feels… lightweight. Because there’s no attachment to any one particular thing, you have the freedom to move from one space to another. Life becomes easier to navigate. And I can sit here and yap to you aboout all the times I’ve felt this serenity, so much so that I was pretty much okay with dying on the spot. But to understand it, you’d have to experience it for yourself. Those of you who’ve meditated in that space or have been on retreats will know what I’m talking about.

I had this experience when I was simply lying on the bed, mind racing hundreds of miles a minute with anxious, depressive, and suicidal thoughts. To be honest, at the time I don’t know why I hated myself so much, but I just laid there in bed closing my eyes even with all these thoughts running rampant and wreaking havoc through my mind, I wanted them gone but I didn’t know how to get rid of them — I was deeply suffering, my life was meaningful. My mind was full of attachments, “I’m a failure, I’m so cooked. Where did I go wrong? Where am I going from here?” It seemed like there was no relief in sight, I felt crushed under the weight of internalized pressure and expectations from the oustide world.

All of a sudden, eyes still closed, I was thrown backwards into space. Everything became so small, the earth, the sun, the solar system, everything. My view kept zooming out and away, all the galaxies flying past by, smaller and smaller. If you’ve ever watched this CGP Grey video, where he folds an A4 paper over and over showing the scale of the universe, you’ll get a sense of what I’m talking about. In that instant, my problems seemed so small and meaningless compared to everything else — I was deeply in awe of the universe and just happy to be here.

Then, life zoomed back in 5 minutes later, smacked me in the back of my head. I was back with my anxious thoughts.

Maybe it was dissociation? My brain thought that we’re in so much danger that it just peaced out for a moment, maybe it was an automatic defense mechanism my mind deployed because the stress was too much, who knows. I concede this may just be copium to the fact that the universe is meaningless and indifferent, a strategy to deal with too much anxiety and stress.

However, after subjectively experiencing being thrown into space, I can’t just ignore this and go back to the way I was before. It taught me that having some meaninglessness baked into the routine of everyday life is pretty important, having a space of nothing in-between is indispensable. After all, what is music if it just kept droning on and on without any pause or break?

Thus, we get to how the “the universe is ultimately meaningless” point of view, pointed me to the “meaning” of life (or at least my life),

Fuck it, we ball

“Most Men Who Take Their Life Had No History Of Mental Illness” — Dr. K

I’ve lived through Perceived Burdensomeness and Thwarted Belongingness.

Bluntly, it sucks. Feeling like you’re nothing but a living burden to your loved ones, trying your best to fit in but not given the space to, or just the people around you lacking the openness and vulnerability required to talk about these subjects which makes you feel even worse because you’re gaslit into thinking maybe you’re the problem. Some days, my mind found it very logical to conclude that “the world and everyone around you is just better off without you”.

TIP

Big tip, when you’re talking to someone suicidal, don’t say, “But you’ve got so much to live for!” Great way to invalidate their thoughts and feelings when they’re already in a terrible headspace.

Awakening to the fact that the universe is ultimately meaningless didn’t help either, you can imagine the despair and hopelessness it brought in addition to the other psychological debuffs.

The following passage from “The Gay Science”, section 125, by Nietzsche, really hits home for me in terms of the feelings and imagery it evokes,

“… What did we do when we unchained this earth from its sun? Where is it moving now? Where are we moving now? Away from all suns? Aren’t we perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up and down left? Aren’t we straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Hasn’t it become colder? Isn’t more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning?…”

Despite the bleakness the passage above invoked in me, I found a weird sense of freedom, of liberty, accompanying the anguish.

Through all of that, I’ve found something that works for me. An existentially relevant philosophy that shows up in my time of need to this day — it’s not in striving for a meaningful life, nor falling into a meaningless one. Maybe you’ve seen it coming, but if you haven’t, it’s from Albert Camus. He is another existentialist philosopher that Oaklander included near the end of his book, although Camus himself would probably be malding from me labelling him an existentialist philosopher. He was a novelist, essayist, and playwright; it shows in the artistic way he expressed his philosophy.

I found him relatable because, regardless of how flowery his language may be, he attacked the heart of the subject matter directly, “what’s the point of all this?” Why bother getting up in the morning, go to work, break for lunch, go home, sleep, rinse and repeat? Why? When you understand and get to the conclusion that there’s ultimately no meaning to be found in life, yet here we are, meaning-seeking creatures? How are we not jumping at the chance to off ourselves at this realization?

Camus addresses this “death of God” directly in his works,

”… in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. The divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling oof absurdity.” (Oaklander 340)

The tension has always been between the relationship of our brain being a pattern-matching, meaning-making machine and the indifferent world that just wouldn’t reply to our queries. It’s like getting ghosted by your crush everyday of your miserable life… No wonder we get traumatized by life.

Camus’ a bro though, he helps out and talks us through it because he himself struggled through feelings of guilt and depression. He says, once you recognize this absurdity, he lays down a couple of options as a path to move forward,

  1. Suicide — Reject life because it has no meaning (he no like this)
  2. Philosophical suicide — Take a leap of faith into some absolute meaning to fill the void (he no like this either)
  3. Revolt — Give the biggest middle finger to life, the universe, and everything (his pick)

Forget about meaning or meaninglessness! Camus says, toe that fucking line until the day of reckoning. Fuck meaning. Fuck meaninglessness. I’m an existing, living human being filled with contradictions, so be it. I’m insecure, anxious, suicidal and also filled with energy, inspiration, and excitement. There’s no need to lean into the fullness of meaning nor fall into the void of meaninglessness. Live fully in spite of the absurd, don’t give into despair nor lie to yourself with false certainties. Create your own meaning (or don’t) through living, experiencing, and engaging in life without expecting any oustide source to validate it.

This was it. I’d finally found what I’d been looking for. Goosebumps, all around. It’s one helluva wake up call. There’s a certain rebelliousness to this idea that really pulls me in and I wonder why it took me two decades of my life for this idea to get to me, why had no one introduced this to me? Although, I guess I had to be in that dark spot to actually see how life-giving it can be, there had never a point in my life up ‘til then where this would have been relevant to me. Taken out of context, it sounds pointless, meaningless, trite. In context, poignant and life-changing.

I found Camus’ revolt rejuvenating. It’s how I choose to interpret,

“Existence Precedes Essence” — Jean-Paul Sartre

We exist, thrown into this world, not of our own accord, without essence. Nothing really predetermining what we will be or what we should be. Yes, we have our genetics, our parents, the nurture and trauma from our environment that forms us, etc. Don’t get me wrong, life can mess you up six different ways from hell just because, and I want to acknowledge that. But those matter less and less as you age through the world and realize that ultimately nothing’s holding you back.

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” — who knows? probably someone cool

In addition to “Fuck it, we ball,” Sartre’s “Existence precedes essence” helped me immensely in embodying “just do it”. It’s helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities, self-doubt, sloth and torpor, and especially in the writing of this piece. I’m really grateful to the predecessors who’d been here before me, philosophers, buddhists, hindus, yogis, basically just building all the tools of self-discovery—the microscopes and telescopes for subjectivity—available to us for free. It’s like open-source for self-development! Perhaps those yogis from the days of yore were the first devs to ever grace our land.

Collective Unconscious == Self-Development Github

When you think about it, the collective unconscious is really just Github for consciousness. We git push and share our ideas to public repos, then fork and clone any packages we find helpful or interesting.

Meditation and reflection is our git and how we do version control for different iterations of ourselves.

Yep, I’m convinced now. Yogis are just master programmers with a different programming language and machine. I wonder what’s the equivalent of Neovim for the mind?

I’m so glad they didn’t hide it behind a paywall, although I guess they did hide it behind a gacha-wall because you still have to spend time and attention to meditate, then you might reach enlightenment. Maybe the scam of a lifetime, no… multiple lifetimes.

Anyways, if you’re in need, I hope this can help point you in the right direction.

※ References

  • 📋 josebrowne — On Coding, Ego and Attention
  • 📋 buttondown — Advice for new software devs who've read all those other advice essays
  • 📖 Oaklander, L. Nathan. Existentialist philosophy: An introduction. Prentice Hall, 1992.
  • ▶️ HealthyGamerGG — How Religion Affects Your Mental Health
  • 🌐 Wikipedia — Anussati
  • ▶️ HealthyGamerGG — The Difference Between Belief and Knowledge
  • ▶️ HealthyGamerGG — Is Your Mind Functioning Properly?
  • ▶️ CGP Grey — Metric Paper...
  • ▶️ Aba N Preach — "Most Men Who Take Their Life Had No History Of Mental Illness" — Dr K
  • 📄 Van Orden, Kimberly A et al. “Thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness: construct validity and psychometric properties of the Interpersonal Needs Questionnaire.” Psychological assessment vol. 24,1 (2012): 197-215. doi:10.1037/a0025358
  • 📋 Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche — The Gay Science, Section 125: The Madman
  • 📋 Quote Investigator — Quote Origin: The Past Is History. The Future Is a Mystery. Today Is a Gift. That's Why It's Called the Present
  • ▶️ Riifushi — So Nobody Taught You How to Be An Adult Too?

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